This is a ridiculous project. I despise myself. It has been a disaster. I am shit at trading, shit at painting, shit at everything. Shit at art.

In my studio alone today and faced with this monumental task of painting it, I remembered the horror of art life: a monumental task ahead that I am not really up to and don’t want to do.

I’ve had it. All the money I have given to rich successful men trying to become a rich successful woman and the result? The results have been appalling: minus money. Awful. Total shit.

So somewhere, I have got something very wrong. I have not got what I wanted out of these things. And my cynicism has crept into everything so that I am no longer meditating or taking cold showers. I have been drinking more. I have had enough of this dumb arse, delusional project.

All it has achieved is to bury everything in deeper. It has to stop. Now.

Today I asked for a suspension of trading for two months. At this moment, this feels like a terrible admission of failure, but it is worth a nice big amount of money and it means that I can catch up on what I think needs doing instead of chasing them.

This is what has been going on today to lead to this state of mind:

Mark and Cam out an advert for a service that I will get and have already paid for. I freak because they make it look easy. I ignore everything about the profits and the service. i ignore the article about how much cash one guy is making, I cry and scream and say that I have been betrayed and tricked again.

I see that all the people on the TYM course are signing up for next year and feel disappointed. I wanted it to be just me.

I read the Skype room and feel more terror. I see that Graham wrote the the compression in the Dax popped. I know that compression turns into expansion and the break was to the upside. I know that that is what happens and that 70% of the time they go in the direction of the previous trend. There is no mystery here.

I read Stephen Porges and as I understand his work, it means that I don’t have any control over my fear and am doomed to failure. But is this really what he said? And is it not extraordinary that I have a brilliant teacher who can help me?

I decided I have a brain defect. If I had a brain defect I would always have to have it, not just sometimes. I feel depressed, exhausted, frustrated and confused but I (most likely) do not have a brain defect.

I ask for my two month suspension and Cam gives me an extra week. Instead of seeing that I asked for what I need and got an extra two months free, I see this a sign of defective mental health and feel ashamed.

I hated painting my studio but I did it and listened to Hale while doing so. I have someone to help. But instead of feeling happy, I feel guilty and anxious and believe that I will be punished.

Plus I discovered releasing on the markets and Mel Robbins on the five second rule which sounds perfect: about to trade? 5-4-3-2-1 Is it the plan?

So all of the above is it, not the markets, not Graham, not Cam & Mark, just this. Do I really believe that this is fixed, that I cannot alter any of these things? That I am doomed? No.