It’s a picture that has existed in fuzzyness for years but today it shone brightly and leapt into consciousness. It’s very short vignette:

I am sitting in J’s kichen, at the island unit in the middle. I am explaining how I have lost everything: I have no job; I have no home; U is gone, and my bank balance is less than zero.

I am probably crying, but if not I am contracted as my head hangs low and my upper back curves outwards.

They are telling me hw stupid I am. How could I have done such a thing? What was I thinking? Why wasn’t I more realistic? Why did I pursue all these stupid projects? Such a loser. Why couldn’t I get myself into a good position? How did I ruin everything?

I don’t know what happens next but I suspect that they have to ‘take me in’. After all, they couldn’t very well throw me out could they? And then I have to live in shame as the needy, useless sister.

This is a bloody awful story but I have been living as if its a done deal for years. For years. Once something quie similar to that did happen. It was after I had had a panic attack on the bus. And there was another time too see The goat escapes.

So there is no time in the mind, as the past is the future is the present. There is no perception of a linear flow, it is all now.

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