What if no one ever did anything? If this were true there would be no need to appease and no need to punish. The whole cycle of guilt and reparation be stopped dead.

When I don’t get what I want I look for someone to punish. This maybe be subtle and could even appear quite sophisticated but it is anything of the sort – revenge is primitive. It is also usually based on a lie, blaming somebody for something that I could have done differently or blaming somebody for showing me something I don’t like.

I also like to punish people when they get something I want.

And then appeasement! Even worse. I do something that I want to do, such as telling someone that I do not want to do what they want me to do, and immediately the calaculator comes out: I did this which gives -x points, but they did that which gives them -y points, on the other hand, I did that, which gives me +w points. Anythingh, just anythingh to be innocent and therefore avoid the punishment that is coming my way (the bullet is already in flight and it has my name on it).

All of this is an infantile impulse to try and control a world that has absolute, total disregard for what I want. Of course it does. Why on earth would it be any different? But somewhere, in my green, narcissistic mind I really believe that something somewhere is keeping a tally and that if I’m good I’ll get stuff and if I’re not I won’t.

This must have been quite a powerful concept for me;  I went beserck for 3 days shortly after writing this. I was in a fury with everything and every body and I trashed my trading account.

 

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