So far this has been nothing short of a disaster. The only pounds I have gained are ones around my waist. Horrible.
- The work I have put into this so far has been a continuation of my meditation on lack: I spend hours measuring, recording and screen printing everything I did wrong, which is like rubbing my face in shit. It is an exercise in what a useless trader I am and just digs the ‘I am a loser’ channels deeper and deeper. Results so far tell me that this is not working.
- It is true that my trading is terrible but looking in the shit is wrong exercise – the problem is in the digestive system and the shit is only a symptom.
- I don’t believe that this could ever work for me, and I don’t believe that it could really work for anyone – even though I see them win every day – yet I spend thousands and thousands of pounds on this dream.
What shall I do?
- My instinct tells me to continue because:
- What is causing me problems here causes me problems everywhere.
- If I cannot do, I cannot teach and my project will have no credibility and my work will have no interesting financing arrangements so it is essential that I succeed at this in whatever form it takes.
- Shift all focus onto the positive and only the positive, shift it onto what is available, what can be done. This is the only thing that matters as late or slow entries or details of trades are irrelevant at this point.
- Set a 30-day to make a trading plan and release the f**k out of it and continue with tapping.
- Continue with my concept of the markets as my teacher, especially with respect to autonomic reactions, seeing the markets as personal and releasing my attachment to trades, outcomes and my ideas of how the world should be. As Nisargadatta says, if you don’t know what’s in there, how can you let it go?
- Allow for honesty about how fearful I am and the scale of the task ahead.
- Transform this whole endeavor into an inseparable part of my creative practice with emphasis on alchemy and entropy.
- Use an Integral approach to becoming a successful trader so that all four quadrants are covered. This means banking in the bank and not in my head.
How strange: for the first time in my life, I know what to do.
There is an ocean of difference between finding self and world concepts, investigating them and throwing them out and pouring over my losses and attaching to them and making them me. Investigation, not indulgence.